Wallowing

Today I spent some time wallowing in self-pity. I'm not proud of this, but I'm also trying not to beat myself up over it. It happens. I get over it.

When I step back far enough and get my life in perspective I see how incredibly blessed I am. I have good health, a loving husband, beautiful children, an amazing extended family, a fabulous house that provides far more than basic shelter. I live surrounded by abundance in so many forms. That I take for granted. I have opportunities that most of the world can't even imagine.

And today I chose to exercise the opportunity to focus on the things I don't have and don't like. Today I cried because of the ways my life is limited. I suppose, really, I cried because of the ways my thinking is limited. I narrowed my focus until all I could see were the parts that I've decided are a problem.

I love to play outdoors. I love to try new adventures. I love doing physical things in and with nature. I can't figure out how to include Pookie with her needs and preferences. Pookie is never going hiking, maybe a nature walk in her jogger, but not hiking. She would probably hate skiing and iceskating, but I can't even figure out how to do those things. Well, there are adaptive ski centers, but they are cost prohibitive and she's just not a play-in-the-snow kind of kid. Surfing is out for her. She might play in the waves, but now I need to find someone to do that while I'm off playing. See how easy it is for me to over-constrain myself and focus on the things I can't do?

What problems to have! Food, no problem. Shelter, safety, health, no problem. Play? Ooh... woe is me. And I do get to play, just not in exactly the ways I want.

Why do I, why do humans have this tendency to focus on what we don't have instead of what we do have? I suppose it's a survival trait that's obsolete in this culture of abundant everything. I suppose it explains the popularity of gratitude journals and lists - we need to practice appreciating everything we do have to balance our innate inclination to look for what is missing.

So, inspired by that idea, here are a bunch of things I'm grateful for (that I haven't already mentioned):

1. The acres and acres of woods that surround my house.

2. This room that I claim as my own for exercise, work, mediation, dance, conversation and quiet.

3. All of my friends who ceaselessly support and encourage me despite my own doubts.

4. My extensive collection of fleece socks.

5. My mediation cushions.

6. The camp up in New Hampshire.

7. Woodchuck Ledge.

8. The Swift River

9. Telephones, email, blogs & Skype that all keep me connected to the people in my life.

10. The sunrise every morning that proves to me all I have to do is go along for the ride. No effort required.

11. Skylights.

12. Books. So many, many books.

13. My comfy bed with flannel sheets and down quilt.

14. The red squirrel who kept me bemused today skittering around outside my window, climbing the screen and disappearing above it onto the light fixture.