Dee Dee

Dee Dee is growing up. It's hard for me to remember that she's only nine. It's always been hard for me to remember how old she is. She's always spoken clearly and with a vocabulary far beyond her years. It doesn't help that she's tall too.

She likes being mistaken for someone two or three years older than she is. But it also makes it hard for her when she's just acting her age. Should I expect the behavior of a three or five year old? Is she nine or twelve? And what does it mean to be any age anyway? What should I expect from someone flip-flopping between ages? I've learned to just meet her where she and who she is at that moment. It all goes so much better when I let go of any assumptions or expectations. She's Dee Dee. A wonderfully creative, growing, changing, challenging, strong soul coming to know who she is more and more.

We've had a bedtime ritual snuggle forever. I crawl up into her loft bed with her and lie down. We talk about whatever is on her mind. This is the time of day she wants to talk and talk, asking questions endlessly. Well, she always wants to talk and talk, but bedtime is different. It's just her and me and anything goes. I have trouble stopping her because I love the connection so much and she seems to crave the undivided attention. But recently is hasn't been working so well.

The time after I get all three kids snuggled is MY time. As her snuggles stretch out, my time to wind down and enjoy some silence gets shorter. I began to resent her snuggle. She delays it as late as possible, never wants it to end, then comes downstairs repeatedly until I go to bed. I don't get it. I don't know what she's looking for, but I run out of patience and civility when MY time gets interrupted with such frequency and regularity.

She's started spending a lot of time alone in her room reading, playing with her dolls, avoiding the rest of us. I try not to worry. She's growing up and trying to find who she is. Space is a good thing for all that. But so is connection. And then she's so keen on spending time with me at night, when I'm ready to be alone for a bit... Why not find time during the day to connect?

Last week I wanted to take a nature walk. Usually I like to go alone and ground myself. I invited her along with me figuring I could still get grounded and maybe help fill her needs too. Just the two us wandering around a nearby park for an hour. She loved it. I shared some of my thoughts, she shared hers. Then she spent the entire afternoon and evening playing nicely with Little Dudely. Works for me!

But she still wouldn't go to sleep at night. So this week after I found myself being kept up by her I proposed a change to our bedtime ritual. Now she joins me in meditation at snuggle time. We sit side-by-side in the dark of my room listening to quiet music. Instead of getting wound-up by conversation, she gets wound-down by stillness. And she feels connected, included in my grown-up world. And then she falls right to sleep.

Perhaps I have found a new balance point between her needs and mine as we navigate our way through our lives. At least for now.