IM-ing

Call me crazy, but sometimes the written word is the most effective way to communicate. My husband is a pilot. Pilots have weird schedules and are away from home quite a bit. But when they're home, they're HOME. 24/7. This leaves me transitioning between full-time stay-at-home starting-a-new-career mom of three and full-time two parent household. It's all or nothing around here.

Pilots have a very high divorce rate. I have a visceral understanding of why that happens now. The transitions are the hardest part. Twice a week more or less. Major transitions. For those of us at home, we find a new rhythm for life once Mr. Pilot leaves for work. It's not simple, but it's comfortable for us. We love to have Dad home too. That transition is harder for him. A pilot's life is lived in a highly controlled environment. Shoot, they have scripts they read back and forth to each other on the flight deck. There's not much unpredictability there. And that's just the way I want it.

But here at home? Uncontrolled environment. Who knows what will happen next? We've got three spirited kids. I don't envy my husband for having to make those transitions. I just have to reconcile my comfort with the chaos with his discomfort. He has to try to shift his expectations entirely.

So he travels a lot. You'd think we'd talk on the phone all the time. Nope. We instant message. When he gets to the latest hotel he plugs in his computer and connects to the internet. While he settles in from his day, changes out of his uniform and eats whatever meal is overdue we can keep on chatting. We both can spill our stories, overlapping them even, without being interrupted or feeling pushed aside for the other's stories. I can wander out of the room to take care of dinner or bath time or whatever chaos needs a bit of guidance without having to hang up or disturb his train of thought. Phone calls are for short, intensive discussions in which time is of the essence. Talk is much faster than writing.

And then there are those trips when he doesn't even get to his hotel until long after I am asleep. Then email is the wonder tool I use. I compose a Daily News Update from Home & Such. He tells me that he feels far more connected to home when he knows the nitty-gritty of our day. I enjoy telling him stories. And then I can use the Such portion for whatever I happen to be thinking about. Works for us.

In fact writing works so well that sometimes I resort to IM or email or printed letters even when he's home. The nice thing about writing is that I can say all I have to say without being interrupted even if emotions are running high - as you might imagine could happen due to the controlled vs uncontrolled environment business. Having the chance to explain myself, perhaps even understanding my thoughts fully in the process, lessens my stress. Having the chance to hear the other side and reflect upon it in quiet, perhaps even understanding the source of his stress, lessens that as well. Take out tone of voice and body language (which are often misinterpreted when emotions run high anyway), take out the possibility of not hearing the whole story because your mind is racing with objections and we find understanding. It's all good.

What would we do without technology?