Technology & Connection

I recently completed the certification process to become an official Martha Beck Life Coach after a nine month course. The final step in certification is to coach Martha herself. I don’t think that I would be breaking any confidences to say we had a lovely, energizing conversation about technology. This tapped into a theme that’s been running through my life: when is technology an aid to connection and when is it an hindrance?

I’m not saying anything new to point out the increasing rapid pace of development and introduction of new technologies and new uses for various technologies. Land-line phones are one of the lowest levels of technology that we take for granted. Cell phones with texting, camera, even internet capabilities are everywhere. Computers on which you can email, blog, Skype, IM, Tweet, be LinkedIn, Facebook and whatever else are easily carried with you wherever you go.

But at what point are we spending more time interacting through the technology than we are interacting without any? I see teens sitting side-by-side texting, but not talking with each other. I know people who Tweet all day, even during dinner with friends – actual people sitting with them, ready to chat. I don’t get it.

I think each of these modalities has a use, a way to connect people across the world, a way to make the world smaller in some sense, a way to expand and strengthen our tribes. But I also see the potential they have for disconnecting people.

I love a solitary walk in the woods. I also love a lengthy, rambling, thoughtful conversation with a friend. If I can’t meet them in person, a phone call will do. If that’s difficult for whatever reason, email will suffice. In fact email is great for setting up dinner dates with friends. We’re both busy and sometimes getting us both on the phone at the same time is difficult. Presto! I send an email and she can reply at her convenience. Then we get to connect even more over a meal.

I IM with my husband when he’s traveling. We’ve found that to be an effective way to communicate when he’s settling in after a day of flying and I’m trying to get through dinner time/bath time/bed time. We still have things we want to share and discuss, but our schedules don’t mesh. To be honest, we sometimes IM within our own house. When a topic gets too charged and civil discussion breaks down removing tone of voice and body language can allow the conversation to continue. The format also allows both of us to speak our thoughts fully without being interrupted. For us, IM technology allows distance (in several ways) and results in a stronger connection. Of course, while I’m IM’ing (is that a verb?) through the evening routine, I’m less connected to the people – my children – in front of me.

Obviously I also blog when the spirit moves me. Friends and family, maybe even some strangers, can connect to me through reading my somewhat random thoughts. Perhaps they get some insight into me (I know I get some insight into me), perhaps they feel more connected because they can identify with something I’ve said and so can feel less alone.

But I can’t figure out why I would Tweet or be LinkedIn. Not yet. Maybe someday I’ll find a way that those technologies strengthen the connections I value in ways that are meaningful to me. I resisted Facebook but joined last fall. I have reconnected with long lost friends and learned a bit more about new ones. Overall, I can see benefits, but I also feel the slippery slope. It would be too easy to spend all day poking around, finding more friends, taking quizzes, posting updates. I suppose it’s just like Google news headlines or YouTube. Easy to get sucked into, but if you find the right balance it enhances your life.

If I have finite time and finite energy each day, how do I want to use it? Which connections are most important to me? Which connections nurture me? Which ones enrich my life? As always I think the balance is dynamic – shifting day to day, year to year, and certainly person to person. So I'll experiment now and again with each new possibility and keep adding tools of connection as I find them useful and fulfilling.