Technology & Connection

I recently completed the certification process to become an official Martha Beck Life Coach after a nine month course. The final step in certification is to coach Martha herself. I don’t think that I would be breaking any confidences to say we had a lovely, energizing conversation about technology. This tapped into a theme that’s been running through my life: when is technology an aid to connection and when is it an hindrance?

I’m not saying anything new to point out the increasing rapid pace of development and introduction of new technologies and new uses for various technologies. Land-line phones are one of the lowest levels of technology that we take for granted. Cell phones with texting, camera, even internet capabilities are everywhere. Computers on which you can email, blog, Skype, IM, Tweet, be LinkedIn, Facebook and whatever else are easily carried with you wherever you go.

But at what point are we spending more time interacting through the technology than we are interacting without any? I see teens sitting side-by-side texting, but not talking with each other. I know people who Tweet all day, even during dinner with friends – actual people sitting with them, ready to chat. I don’t get it.

I think each of these modalities has a use, a way to connect people across the world, a way to make the world smaller in some sense, a way to expand and strengthen our tribes. But I also see the potential they have for disconnecting people.

I love a solitary walk in the woods. I also love a lengthy, rambling, thoughtful conversation with a friend. If I can’t meet them in person, a phone call will do. If that’s difficult for whatever reason, email will suffice. In fact email is great for setting up dinner dates with friends. We’re both busy and sometimes getting us both on the phone at the same time is difficult. Presto! I send an email and she can reply at her convenience. Then we get to connect even more over a meal.

I IM with my husband when he’s traveling. We’ve found that to be an effective way to communicate when he’s settling in after a day of flying and I’m trying to get through dinner time/bath time/bed time. We still have things we want to share and discuss, but our schedules don’t mesh. To be honest, we sometimes IM within our own house. When a topic gets too charged and civil discussion breaks down removing tone of voice and body language can allow the conversation to continue. The format also allows both of us to speak our thoughts fully without being interrupted. For us, IM technology allows distance (in several ways) and results in a stronger connection. Of course, while I’m IM’ing (is that a verb?) through the evening routine, I’m less connected to the people – my children – in front of me.

Obviously I also blog when the spirit moves me. Friends and family, maybe even some strangers, can connect to me through reading my somewhat random thoughts. Perhaps they get some insight into me (I know I get some insight into me), perhaps they feel more connected because they can identify with something I’ve said and so can feel less alone.

But I can’t figure out why I would Tweet or be LinkedIn. Not yet. Maybe someday I’ll find a way that those technologies strengthen the connections I value in ways that are meaningful to me. I resisted Facebook but joined last fall. I have reconnected with long lost friends and learned a bit more about new ones. Overall, I can see benefits, but I also feel the slippery slope. It would be too easy to spend all day poking around, finding more friends, taking quizzes, posting updates. I suppose it’s just like Google news headlines or YouTube. Easy to get sucked into, but if you find the right balance it enhances your life.

If I have finite time and finite energy each day, how do I want to use it? Which connections are most important to me? Which connections nurture me? Which ones enrich my life? As always I think the balance is dynamic – shifting day to day, year to year, and certainly person to person. So I'll experiment now and again with each new possibility and keep adding tools of connection as I find them useful and fulfilling.

Cell Phone Thoughts

I was in that last minute rush of gathering the almost-forgotten things as I headed out the door on my way to a week of camping in Vermont with my family. Well, I had part of my family – I was taking Dee Dee and Little Dudely a day before my husband would join us with Pookie. The advance team was to set up camp: two “bubba” tents that in theory would sleep a combined 10 people, our kitchen/dining room picnic table and so on. We needed to get settled so Dee Dee would be ready for her camp to start the next morning at 9a.

Damp would be a way to describe the weather. Always threatening to rain, rarely actually doing it. Drizzle, sure. Humidity, yup. Rain? Not often. So who was I to complain? OK, the one bout of rain we did get in our first three days was only five minutes long but happened as out tent was up and we were trying to get the rainfly on. It’s hard not to laugh.

That bit of rain, happening so early, was enough to send me running to the store to purchase a canopy for our picnic table. I had intended to do without cover or use a tarp to shelter the table, but there simply wasn’t a useful arrangement of trees for us. The canopy however, was perfect.

In fact, most of the week was perfect in many ways. Dee Dee loved camp and camping. Little Dudely entertained himself with fire and sticks and explorations. Both of them went so far as to admit they rather enjoyed not having TV or computers for a week. Pookie, on the other hand, was a good sport. She's not one for camping but gamely sat by the fire and made Dad sing songs to his ukulele - Brown Bear, Brown bear, please. Animals only. Now only colors. Now just the noises. Dad was a good sport too granting all her wishes.

Anyway, as I reached for my backpack and purse and such on my way out the door I saw my cell phone still charging on my desk. “Man, it would be nice if that thing was ever fully charged” I laughed. It’s my fault it isn’t ever charged. I never plug it in. I think on some level I don’t really value it enough to bother.

But that’s not why I laughed. My cell phone is a reflection of me. Wouldn’t it be nice if I was ever fully charged? I never plug myself into nurturing, regenerative activities. I think on some level I don’t really value myself enough to bother. What’s the deal with that? What would life look like if I did value myself enough to keep myself fully charged? Why is it so hard for me to do that?

Arrogance

I was in Phoenix recently. What an incredibly different natural environment from home. Around here we have rocks and water and wind and trees. At this time of year things are lush and green. But not in Phoenix. At least not out in the un-landscaped terrain. Out there there are rocks and wind and heat. No water. The plants are far from lush, but they are hardy.

Not being much of a traveler I don't adjust to timezone changes very easily. The change from standard to daylight savings is more than enough for me. Three timezones... let's just say I was up early. I went out for a walk on the trails by my hotel on my first morning. It was cool, if you call 70F cool, pre-dawn. The light was slicing across the terrain as the sun rose. The colors there are so very different. More orange, red, brown. Not much green. You can see the trails off in the distance - no trees blocking line of sight. I wanted to walk forever. Not so much to get anywhere in particular, more to just walk out into the raw and alien landscape. To explore it. To experience it.

I followed a trail up a small hill and it allowed me long views in most directions. I stood, staring at the distant mountains. The picture above has Phoenix in the foreground. The peaks at the left edge are contained in the Phoenix South Mountain Park. The highest peaks in that range are around 2000 ft. The low peaks in the center are a separate, closer, unnamed range, topping out around 1350 ft. The vast range rising in the background is the Sierra Estrella Wilderness. The highest peaks are 4300+ ft. (I didn't know any of this until I got home played around with Google maps and so on.)

I stood in awe of the Earth. Vistas like this are rare in New England. Only from the highest peaks, and only if the weather cooperates can you see tens of miles. And there simply aren't ranges of this magnitude. I was flooded with expansive, marvelous feelings. And then I laughed.

I thought of all the people - over 4 million in the Phoenix metro area, never mind those all over the Earth - living among the structural marvels of engineering. We build houses with running water in the desert. We protect ourselves from the heat and wind with wall and windows. We walk among our buildings feeling proud of human ingenuity, dwarfed by our constructs, victorious over nature. And I laughed.

Look. The city is reduced to a thin strip of light yellowy-tan before the massive mountains rising solidly in the distance. The arrogance of mankind! We worry that we are destroying nature. How could we? Our mightiest achievements are dwarfed by those of the Earth. The eternal Earth.

However, we are destroying the kind of nature we need to survive. The Earth gives us all we need to survive so long as we live in harmony. Our lack of respect, our arrogance has led us into dangerous territory. The Earth provides, nurtures us even, so long as we take care of it. Every traditional culture knew, knows this.

Our culture is dangerously separated from nature, from an understanding of our place on Earth. It is in moments like the one I experienced staring out over this scene that we reconnect. And we can reconnect in far less majestic scenes. We can understand life in our backyards simply by stopping to observe, to notice all that there is. All the enormous beauty and resilience. We can cultivate our respect for nature in a simple moment of awareness.

To take care of ourselves we must take care of the Earth.
To nurture ourselves we must nurture others.